Today I was told to quit my job.

It’s not the first time I’ve been told. Over the years I’ve heard the same advice from family, friends, even the occasional boss. (I should point out the bosses all had my best interests at heart—it was never an order, or even a threat.)

They usually tell me after I’ve ranted about how much I hate my job, and that I’m this close to quitting. (And yes, I am holding my thumb and index finger about a centimetre apart when I say it.) They’ll listen patiently, nod in all the right places, and then tell me it’s time to get out of there and do something different.

And they’re right, of course. It’s not that the job is bad. It just isn’t the job for me any more. We’ve both changed, and it’s time to go our separate ways.

And yet I’m still there.

Oh I can give you a million reasons why. It’s a relatively secure job. The money isn’t bad. I can’t afford to just give it up when I’ve got a family and a mortgage to support. All good reasons to stay where I am.

But it seems they’re no longer good enough.

Today’s advice to quit my job came from a counsellor. We spoke for about an hour, and a lot of the truth I haven’t been admitting to myself finally came out. And once it was out, the solution seemed pretty clear.

Now I could ignore her advice, just as I seem to have ignored everyone else’s advice over the years. (Sorry, everyone!) But there’s one person whose advice I can no longer ignore.

Me.

I told you that yesterday that I went to see the doctor. What I didn’t tell you is that I was diagnosed with depression, though some of you may have guessed. (Now you know why there were so many long pauses in our conversation.) The good feeling I told you about only lasted a couple of weeks before it was gone again, shattered in a single meeting with one of my bosses. And instead of just falling back down to earth I kept going.

According to the counsellor, work got me down here. And it’s now the key to me getting back up to the surface, and maybe even back to where I was for those two glorious weeks.

I mentioned in an earlier post that freelancing will be my escape plan. I just didn’t think I’d need it quite so quickly.

From Thursday I’ll be on leave for a week or so, and I guess it couldn’t have come at a better time. I’ll be catching up with friends I haven’t seen for far too long, and I’m sure we’ll have a ball. But it will also be a chance for me to “pause and reflect” on what’s going on, and what I can change, at least in the short term.

I have a few ideas already. Cut down the number of projects I’m spread across (I’ve never been much of a multi-tasker). Do more of the work I enjoy, even if it means other people ending up doing less of it. Maybe even move to another area that looks after people rather than technology.

And if none of that works, then I guess I’ll have to look elsewhere. Because I no longer want to be where I am.

Looks like I’ve managed to give myself another headache.

Medication is holding it at bay for the moment, and I’m about to send in reinforcements. But I have a feeling it isn’t going to disappear without a fight. It could be a long and painful night.

But what’s really frustrating is I have no idea what caused it in the first place.

It’s not dehydration. It’s certainly not caffeine withdrawal (it’s been one of those days). And I haven’t had a late-night drinking session since before Christmas.

So I’m guessing it’s something that happened at work (or maybe something that didn’t happen). If I could think without wincing I might be able to work it out. But right now all I want to do is take some more medication and go to bed.

We have one of those thermometers at home that you can just rest on your forehead and it instantly tells you the temperature. (Well it did until the voice part went kaput. Fortunately it still shows up on the display.) Well, I’d like something similar that can tell me why I’ve got a particular headache so I can stop it happening again.

Or better still, something I can press against my forehead in the morning that will tell me if I’ll get a headache so I can avoid it altogether.

If there’s already a gizmo on the market that can tell me, let me know.

But for goodness sake, do it quietly.

There’s a great scene in the movie “(500) Days of Summer” where they show two versions of the same scene side-by-side. On the left is what the male lead thinks will happen (“Expectations”), and on the right is what actually happens (“Reality”). And of course, reality doesn’t come close to matching his expectations.

When I started this blog, I too had expectations (or more accurately, “delusions”) of how it would all pan out. After a successful day’s freelancing (even if only during my lunch break at the regular job) I’d come home and spend some quality time with my wife and son. After dinner, we’d bath our son (more quality time together), give him his final bottle and put him to bed. We might watch some television together, or just have a quiet chat.

And then I’d come here to write another blog post.

It could be about anything—a report on how the day went, or maybe just something on my mind that I want to talk about. But whatever the topic, it would be my chance to relax and unwind. It would be my dessert, or maybe that final drink before bed.

Unfortunately the reality hasn’t come anywhere near my expectations.

Thanks to various pressing deadlines (not to mention lunchtime meetings), I’ve been lucky if I get to eat lunch, let alone work on my freelancing. By the time we’ve had dinner, bathed our son and put him to bed, it’s close to nine o’clock. By the time I finish the blog it’s well after ten, and then I go to bed and crash until the alarm goes off at five-thirty the following morning.

(On weekends we switch off the alarm, and get woken up by our son instead. But it’s still around the same time.)

And so, despite promising myself this would be the year I’d become a freelancer (if only part-time to begin with), the whole thing has pretty much stalled.

And now I’m trying to find the time to get it going again.

So what are my options? Well, one option would be to stop blogging, or at least slow down the posting a bit (I’d still like dessert every once in a while). That would give me an extra few hours a week. How productive I’d be is another story, because by the time I sit in front of the keyboard I’m already falling asleep (as some of you have probably worked out by now).

Another option is to try and find more time during my day. I spend 40 minutes on trains each day, and providing I can get a seat I could at least draft some notes, or even do a bit of research. (If I tried doing either of these while standing up I’d end up hurting someone.)

Daylight Savings finishes soon, which should put an end to the lunchtime meetings. (It only happens because we’re an hour behind our head office.) If I ignore my email, switch my phone to voicemail, ignore my instant messages and wear my noise-cancelling headphones, I can probably get another hour a day.

I have some long service leave up my sleeve, and so if I really wanted to (and my bosses gave me the go-ahead) I could take a fortnight or so off to work on the freelancing stuff. But I don’t think now is a good time to do something like that. I’m still very green, and so I’d waste a lot of the time fumbling my way around. I’d much rather wait until I know what I’m going so I can make the most of the time I have.

I could take another day off each fortnight, making it a four-day week. It sounds fantastic, but I’d have to take a serious look at our finances (and try not to laugh too hard) before I could do something like that.

Of course, the ideal solution would be to give up the regular job and just write all day instead. But while poverty might be worth considering when you’re young and single, it isn’t really option when you’ve got a family and a mortgage.

Sorry if it seems like you’ve just caught me thinking out loud. But this is what’s been on my mind lately, especially with the regular job heading in a direction I don’t particularly want to go. This is my escape plan, and by the looks of things I’ll need it sooner rather than later.

Today I got a taste of what it would be like to write for a living. Or, in this case, edit.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m editing a book manuscript for a friend of mine. So far it’s been a bit hard finding more than a few hours amongst everything else going on—the regular job, family commitments, etc. But today I got to spend pretty much the entire day on it.

I didn’t get to spend quite as much time on it as I would have liked. Our son had a restless night last night, which meant we all had a restless night. (Parenting tip: Got small children? Buy a king-size bed if you can possibly afford it. Believe me, you’ll thank me later.) So it took a little while (not to mention a large Ice Break) to get the brain in gear.

There was also the small matter of having a blood test, which always makes me nervous. (A few years ago I had one and managed to faint not once but twice. In the end I had to lie down in the recovery room for an hour or so. Not a very pleasant way to spend a morning.)

But with that little drama out of the way (no problems this time around), I got a good four or five hours editing in before I had to pick up my son.

And I have to tell you, it felt pretty damn good.

Don’t get me wrong. I still want to be a freelancer, writing my own articles and getting them published. But I’ve always enjoyed editing (and not just because I like the colour red), and I think I’d be quite happy doing it professionally—at least for a while.

Who knows? Maybe it’s a combination of the two that will see me finally break free of the regular job and live the dream of being a full-time writer.

Though hopefully without the blood tests.

Today I finally caught up with a friend of mine I haven’t seen in months.

We met about five years while she was doing some PR work for our organisation. (That’s one of the great things about doing IT work—you get to meet pretty much everyone in the place.) We got along straight away, and she quickly became one of my closest friends. I was quite upset when she left for another job a year later, but thankfully we’re stayed friends ever since.

So it was great to catch up with her for lunch on her day off, especially after the meeting I had before I left the office. (I won’t go into the details, but let’s put it this way: the relaxing ferry ride across the river couldn’t have come at a better time.)

A lot has changed since then. We’re both parents now, and so I got to have lunch not only with her, but also her 15-month-old daughter. (We worked out we’d last seen each other on her first birthday, so it’s been a while.) And I realised just how much of a parent I’ve become.

A couple of years ago the phrase “relaxing with a small child” is something I would have only used in a humour column. But now that I’m a dad I realise it’s actually possible. As we ate our lunch we chatted about our families, our work, and how much things have changed at work in the past five years. And apart from the occasional pauses while she fed her daughter it was just like old times.

In fact it was better, because I could actually help out. When her daughter started crying on the way to the park I didn’t hesitate to carry her and sing a few silly songs to try and cheer her up. Two years ago the most I would have done is make silly faces from a distance. Hold her? You’ve got to be kidding!

(And in case you’re wondering how I know everything changed two years ago, it’s my son’s second birthday tomorrow.)

Maybe that’s why it’s so great being a parent. You can sing silly songs. You can play on the swings (which I did). You can be a kid again, and rediscover the world through their eyes.

To my friend (who may be reading this) and your beautiful daughter, thank you for lunch, for the chat, and for the chance to be a kid for the afternoon.

It’s just what I needed.

A few days ago I talked about the editing work I do in my regular job. About how much work it can be sometimes. About how much I enjoy doing it, and seeing the results.

Well, right now I’m just about ready to give it all up.

No, not because of the work that was taken away from me. I’m still okay with that (though it was hard not to grimace a little when I saw the results this morning). No, what’s finally tipped me over the edge is seeing the editing work being done elsewhere in the organisation. Or rather not being done.

Don’t get me wrong. When it comes to information we send out to the public, we’re pretty good. We have entire processes dedicated to making sure it’s perfect in every way. But when the information is just for our staff, it seems to be a case of “near enough is good enough”.

It doesn’t need to be concise. It doesn’t need to flow. Hell, it doesn’t even need to make sense.

Now I realise we don’t employ people for their writing skills (although sometimes I wish we did). But despite having an entire section looking after the organisation’s official communication, it still gets published.

(And for the record I’ve asked them repeatedly if I can help out with their editing work. But no, they’ve got everything under control.)

And so, as I slog through paragraph after bloated paragraph, I think, “Why do I even bother?”

I don’t want to give up the work. As I said I enjoy the work, and the results. And I don’t want to abandon something I’ve spent the past ten years creating.

But I’m no longer enjoying it as much as I used to. The work I do is just a drop in the ocean, and the ocean’s getting bigger every day. The focus seems to be on getting it done rather than getting right. No-one seems to care any more.

So why should I?

So you’ve got a new mobile phone. Congratulations.

I can understand you’re excited. Chances are it has a million more features than your last phone, and you’re eager to try them all out. So go ahead, play with the compass, the GPS, and whatever else it has.

But please, wait until you get home before you start trying out all the ringtones.

Don’t try them out on the train as you’re heading to work. It’s early, and most of your fellow passengers are still waking up. (Why else would they be snoring in the seat beside you?) Start making loud noises and they’ll probably try to strangle you with their ID pass to make it stop.

Don’t try them out at the office. Thanks to the endless phone calls, meetings and other interruptions we don’t get a lot of time to actually work. So when we do finally get the time, we don’t want to spend it trying to drown out the latest ringtone you’ve downloaded from the Internet.

(Oh, and in case you’re thinking it’s okay because we’re all listening to music on our headphones, not even the latest noise-cancelling headphones can block out Crazy Frog.)

And for goodness sake, don’t play them all to your co-workers, especially if they work in IT. The sounds may be new to you, but chances are everyone else has heard them all before. And even if they haven’t, they really don’t care.

Don’t try them out on the train on your way home from work. Chances are everyone else in the carriage is on their way home from work as well, and after listening to managers and clients droning on all the day the last thing they want to hear is more droning from your damn phone.

On second thoughts, don’t try them out at home either. Your kids will definitely have heard them before (they may have even “bought” some of them for you, which is why your phone bill is so high). And your partner may end up lunging at you with a kitchen knife—especially if they’ve been looking after the kids all day.

So where can you try them out? Well, if I had my way I’d say never. Just stick with whatever it came with. If you can’t tell when your own phone is ringing, you need more than a new ringtone.

But if you must try them out, how about doing it in a soundproof booth? Don’t have one? Call this number now! Operators are standing by to take your order.

Well, except the ones who tried out their ringtones in the office.

It’s a bit of a ghost town where I work at the moment.

No, we haven’t sacked half our staff (in fact, we’re about to get a whole bunch of new people in the office), but right now we’re the only people on the floor, and so it’s really quiet. I half expect to look up and see a tumbleweed roll past my desk.

For most of the people in my area, this is probably the perfect working environment. They can focus on their work without being interrupted by conversations in other areas. (And voice mail can take care of any unwanted phone calls.)

But for me it’s becoming a real problem. As I’ve said before I’m an extrovert, and so without people around me I start to feel incredibly drained.

The ironic thing is when it’s quiet like this I put on my headphones and listen to music to break the silence, which cuts me off from people even more. (I think it might be time to buy a speaker dock for my iPhone.)

As I said, we’re about to get a whole bunch of new people in the office. So many people, in fact, that the office will be filled to capacity. And so we’re about to have a “blocking and stacking” exercise to fit everyone in without splitting up the various teams. (Think of it as human Tetris, except people don’t suddenly disappear when you complete a row.)

I’m part of the “blocking and stacking” team, and so I get to… shall we say “suggest” which sections move into the area to join us. (Yes, in some situations you can choose your neighbours.)

A few years ago I would have gone for the quieter teams in the office. The ones who’ll keep to themselves, make the least noise, and cause the least disruption.

But now I’m starting to think a bit differently. Maybe I should focus on groups at the other end of the spectrum. Not necessarily the people who are noisy, but rather the people who are a bit more interactive. People who can help me re-energise, and maybe re-energise themselves in the process.

Or maybe I should just tell the rest of my team I’m open to bribes.

If you’ve been reading this blog over the past week or so you’ll know I’ve been in quite a good mood lately. Well, today that good mood was tested to the limit.

One of my roles in our organisation is to make sure any “official” documents being sent from our IT department can be understood by the rest of the organisation. Some just need a bit of tweaking, while others need a complete rewrite. But it’s a job I both enjoy and take a lot of pride in.

I guess that’s because it’s not a role I joined. It’s a role I helped create. Ten years ago the role didn’t exist, and what we were sending out was nothing short of abysmal. So I started sending edited versions back to the authors to show them how the documents should have been written. (Yeah, I know. A great way to make new friends, eh?)

Anyway, someone saw what I was doing and decided to make the work I was doing a bit more official. A couple of other people who knew how to write came on board, and we became the IT area’s communication group. Anything “official” had to come through us before they went out to everyone else.

A lot has changed in those ten years. The two people I originally teamed up with left years ago. The numbers have gone up and down according to funding. I’ve had several bosses, none of which seemed to “get it” as much as my first boss. And while there are now several other people in the “team”, I seem to be the only one doing any actual editing.

But that’s okay. As I said, I enjoy the work. And there’s nothing quite like handing back the edited version to someone and being thanked for a job well done.

So I was shocked to find another person in the “team” asking if they could approve documents coming from an IT project without me having any input. I was even more shocked when my boss said he was okay with it.

A month ago I would have stormed out of the office to cool off, and then calmly told them I was quitting the role. I know because when I found out it’s exactly what I wanted to do.

But then I decided it wasn’t worth getting upset about, and I just let it go. The anger subsided, and I think I even laughed at the idea. Of course that may all change when I see what they come up with, or when I’m asked to help them out, but I’ll cross those bridges when I get to them.

I also let go of something else today. But that will have to wait for another time.

It’s been a pretty hectic week. Not flat-out, deadlines-at-every-turn hectic, but enough to make it feel like I haven’t had a minute to myself. (Of course, having Monday off didn’t help things much.)

So today I slowed it right down.

It started with the Friday morning coffee get-together with friends. Normally we’d have a dozen or more people crowded around the table, and several conversations going on at once. But this morning there was only five of us—which is just as well considering we could only get a small table outside.

And you know what? It was kind of nice. It felt a lot more intimate, and I didn’t have to decide which conversation to try and follow as there was just the one most of the time. I’d still like to go back to a “full house” next week, but it was a nice (and very relaxing) change.

After spending most of the morning editing articles for the office newsletter, I was ready for a break. (I’ve also learned to get out of the office after doing major editing so I don’t have to argue with anyone about what I’ve done to their copy.) So I grabbed a book, and headed to my new favourite spot—the grassy areas along the river just near the Teneriffe ferry terminal.

For an hour I sat on the grass under a tree, a slight breeze keeping me nice and cool, reading a book and listening to Brian Eno’s “Thursday Afternoon”. Actually it was quite a strong breeze, which is why I lost my bookmark within seconds of opening the book. But it was still a great way to spend my lunch hour, especially compared to how I spent it yesterday.

About the only sore point (literally) was when I stood up. Sitting cross-legged for an hour is obviously something I’ll have to get used to.

But even as I hobbled back to the office, I was smiling. And you know what? I still am.